Every joke I've kept

What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

— onelinefun.com

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"

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What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

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Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.

— onelinefun.com

Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.

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I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.

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What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

— onelinefun.com

Sorry I'm late but I wanted to make sure I missed most of it.

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What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

— onelinefun.com

Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.

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I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

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Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!

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What part of your family can you see through? A transparent.

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I have a lot in common with my Velcro wallet. We're both simple and great at holding everything in.

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Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

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Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

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What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.

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Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

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Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down.

— onelinefun.com