Every joke I've kept

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

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I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.

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People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like "Ugh, standing."

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What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

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I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

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New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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"What are you eating and how can I help?" -Dogs

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We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.

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I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.

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I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.

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If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

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It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

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What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

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How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

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Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.

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I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!

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