Every joke I've kept

Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!

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1 C A and 4 H A in a M M

1 C A and 4 H A in a M M 1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!

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Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!

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"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?" "Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays."

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What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.

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What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!

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When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.

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What Were You Thinking?

What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!

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Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

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A book never written: Becoming a Better Artist by N.O. Creativity

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Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

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After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

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A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom, "Why are some of your hairs gray?" The mom replies cleverly, "Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray." The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks, "Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?"

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A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. "Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked. The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either."

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MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

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rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

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How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!

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Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

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Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"

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A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife." "Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." was the answer.

— public joke corpus