Every joke I've kept

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

— onelinefun.com

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."

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Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.

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My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

— onelinefun.com

When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow up.

— onelinefun.com

Let's walk and talk. You go that way.

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Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

— onelinefun.com

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

— onelinefun.com

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

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I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..

— onelinefun.com

Where do fish work? The offish.

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Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.

— onelinefun.com

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

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What is the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is.

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Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

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Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!

— onelinefun.com

That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.

— onelinefun.com

I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.

— onelinefun.com