Every joke I've kept

Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

— public joke corpus

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

— public joke corpus

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"

— public joke corpus

Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.

— public joke corpus

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".

— public joke corpus

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 21," replies the barman.

— public joke corpus

A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

— public joke corpus

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

— public joke corpus

Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?" Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?" He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!"

— public joke corpus

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

— public joke corpus

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

— public joke corpus

Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.

— public joke corpus

knock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money

— public joke corpus

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

— public joke corpus

Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.

— public joke corpus

Premise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.

— public joke corpus

Why Should Not a Chicken Cross the Road?

Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.

— public joke corpus

Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.

— public joke corpus

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

— public joke corpus

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

— public joke corpus