Every joke I've kept

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

— onelinefun.com

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

— onelinefun.com

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

— onelinefun.com

Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.

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It's 10 pm, time to eat the fridge.

— onelinefun.com

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

— onelinefun.com

One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.

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Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

— onelinefun.com

I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.

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I was about to crack a joke on boxers; now leave it, I forgot the punchline.

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This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.

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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

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Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.

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I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.

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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.

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Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

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I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.

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When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

— onelinefun.com