Every joke I've kept

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."

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Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

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Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.

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"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

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What did the mama broom say to the little broom? Go to sweep little one.

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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

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What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.

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Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

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What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)

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Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.

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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

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Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.

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What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.

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What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.

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What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"

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Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

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Can you decipher the following common phrase? AND ED Underhanded!

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I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

— public joke corpus