Every joke I've kept

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

— public joke corpus

I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

— public joke corpus

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?Fertilised!

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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

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A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what you mean." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.

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One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, "Jones, how long have you been working here?"Jones replied, "Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. "

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"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

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Would you please do me a favour?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

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I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

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There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

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Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

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Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the elephants.

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Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, "Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. ""You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"

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Three friends sat down in the new cafe' in town. They began to have casual conversation, and eventually jokes were brought up. One of them said, "Oh, did you hear the joke about the guy in hell drinking coffee and eating a doughnut?" Before anyone could answer, though, the man across the room told the waitress, "I'll have some coffee and a doughnut"

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After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic. The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

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Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.

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Why Did the Duck Cross the Road?

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.

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Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

— public joke corpus