Every joke I've kept

Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.

— onelinefun.com

I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.

— onelinefun.com

I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

— onelinefun.com

Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.

— onelinefun.com

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else!

— onelinefun.com

My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

— onelinefun.com

Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!

— onelinefun.com

I like to give people blank "Thank you" cards for their birthdays and then when they ask me what it's for I say, "You'll thank me later!"

— onelinefun.com

Math puns are the first sine of madness!

— onelinefun.com

Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

— onelinefun.com

Me in my 20's: "Dresses like I'm on the catwalk." Me in my 30's: "dresses like I walk cats."

— onelinefun.com

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

— onelinefun.com

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

— onelinefun.com

Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.

— onelinefun.com

I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

— onelinefun.com

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

— onelinefun.com

1984: Is my house bugged? Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?

— onelinefun.com

I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

— onelinefun.com

Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

— onelinefun.com

I can't decide which room not to clean first.

— onelinefun.com