Every joke I've kept

Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

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"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."

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Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

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I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

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Why didn't the brakes want to work? Because it was time for their lunch break.

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Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

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What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.

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From a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!

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The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.

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What is represented by this? HEAR T Broken heart!

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Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.

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As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.

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Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.

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A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.

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Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."

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A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin."

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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine

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I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!

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These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

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Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

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