Every joke I've kept

Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

— onelinefun.com

Pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.

— onelinefun.com

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

— onelinefun.com

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

— onelinefun.com

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

— onelinefun.com

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

— onelinefun.com

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

— onelinefun.com

Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

— onelinefun.com

I bought a book titled "How To Scam People Online" about three months ago... It still hasn't arrived.

— onelinefun.com

I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

— onelinefun.com

My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

— onelinefun.com

When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.

— onelinefun.com

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

— onelinefun.com

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

— onelinefun.com

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

— onelinefun.com

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

— onelinefun.com

I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."

— onelinefun.com

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

— onelinefun.com

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

— onelinefun.com

A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

— onelinefun.com