Every joke I've kept

I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

— onelinefun.com

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

— onelinefun.com

I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.

— onelinefun.com

I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.

— onelinefun.com

At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.

— onelinefun.com

I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!

— onelinefun.com

Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

— onelinefun.com

What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.

— onelinefun.com

Wanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.

— onelinefun.com

By age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band.

— onelinefun.com

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

— onelinefun.com

Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

— onelinefun.com

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

— onelinefun.com

When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.

— onelinefun.com

I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.

— onelinefun.com

Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.

— onelinefun.com

At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.

— onelinefun.com

The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

— onelinefun.com

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

— onelinefun.com

What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

— onelinefun.com