Every joke I've kept

I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector

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wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.

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Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??

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Waitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?" The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.

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Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

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What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA

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Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A: Their color.

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What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!

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Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

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Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!

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A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

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Who composed the Unfinished Symphony? Sherbet.

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How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.

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A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."

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One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!""When I'm out of red, I use blue." - Pablo Picasso

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Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.

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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

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