Every joke I've kept

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

— r/Jokes

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions. Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

— r/Jokes

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people. Condescending means to talk down to someone.

— r/Jokes

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.

— r/Jokes

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

— r/Jokes

Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not

— r/Jokes

Why didn't 4 ask out 5? Because he was 22.

— r/Jokes

People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

— r/Jokes

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch

— r/Jokes

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer? Just give it time.

— r/Jokes

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep. Just release a new iphone every year.

— r/Jokes

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary... Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

— r/Jokes

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

— r/Jokes

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...

— r/Jokes

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety. ...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

— r/Jokes

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilomockingbirds

— r/Jokes

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.

— r/Jokes

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

— r/Jokes

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

— r/Jokes

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

— r/Jokes