Every joke I've kept

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

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What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu? Raichu

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How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane

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My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

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In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

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The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

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Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

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Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing... It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

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A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane

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Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.

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I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why

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My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”. “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

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My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.

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Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

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If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would have $7.20 by now

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's pretty humerus.

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