Every joke I've kept

Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

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Why did the programmer go broke? He used up all his cache

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What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe

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A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"

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Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's "I did not inhale." His baloney has a second name: "I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!

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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?" she asked.

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A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"

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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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what do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country

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If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

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If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives!

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Do not try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

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Race is just a pigment of the imagination.

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If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

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I have a map of the world... its actual size.

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"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"

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A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.""What do you mean?""Everone kept screaming, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

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A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

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What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

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A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."

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