Every joke I've kept

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...

— r/Jokes

Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

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I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

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If I had a Delorean. I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

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Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.

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Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

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Apple really is the most futuristic company out there. They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry. But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

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Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.

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If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate. And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released. UB40 now

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My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now. New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

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I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

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“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but... They’re just waiting their turn.

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What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

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What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig? Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

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I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

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What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds

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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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