Every joke I've kept

What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up? It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

— r/Jokes

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

— r/Jokes

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times new ramen!

— r/Jokes

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember. there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

— r/Jokes

Why are mathematicians always so happy? Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

— r/Jokes

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If only they could see me now!

— r/Jokes

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.

— r/Jokes

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

— r/Jokes

My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am.. Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

— r/Jokes

How do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.

— r/Jokes

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”. He said, “Try the ATM outside”

— r/Jokes

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment. Is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

— r/Jokes

I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too

— r/Jokes

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole, Which is also known as avocado’s number

— r/Jokes

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw.. He said yeah but it’s rare.

— r/Jokes

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'... Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

— r/Jokes

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

— r/Jokes

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates

— r/Jokes

So my twin brother called me from prison. He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

— r/Jokes

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.

— r/Jokes