Every joke I've kept

Have you seen the lottery tickets from India? If the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store.

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Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.

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Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!

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What do you call a holy man that fries potatoes? A chipmonk

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What is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso.

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I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

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Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."

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Quick - Cheap - Good Pick 2. - Dennis Robertus.

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A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.

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Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards!

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Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

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Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

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A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS. "That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!" "In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."

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Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.

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Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

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The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

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Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

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Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored. First agent: "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Second agent: "Oh, nothing special. The same as you..." First agent: "In that case, you're under arrest!"

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This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way

Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....

— public joke corpus