Every joke I've kept

The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...

— r/Jokes

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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I know every single digit of pi! I just don't have them in the right order.

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Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

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Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.

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As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

— r/Jokes

Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet? Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

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I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. I think it's time for a new keyboard.

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Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

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10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them.

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I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks. It's nice to have a bit of company.

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What's the capital of Greece? About 5 euros.

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I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards

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Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I’m the CIEIO

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"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

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A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting. I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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Where do pirates get their hooks? The second hand store.

— r/Jokes