Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
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Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"
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I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.
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I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
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Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
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I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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To the person who invented infinity: "Thanks for everything."
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
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I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
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Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
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In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
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Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
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Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
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Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.
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What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.
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How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
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