Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
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Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A. dirty double crosser
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Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
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The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
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Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
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What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
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Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.
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When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.
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If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl
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Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!
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Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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Q> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy
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For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
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What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it’s got the most stories!
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Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sara. Sara who? Sara doctor in the house?!
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A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'
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If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
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A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
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