Every joke I've kept

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

— r/Jokes

0.666. ... beware the number of the millibeast.

— r/Jokes

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville". Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

— r/Jokes

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

— r/Jokes

They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

— r/Jokes

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its broom.

— r/Jokes

I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years.

— r/Jokes

I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.

— r/Jokes

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF

— r/Jokes

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test... I'd have $6.30 right now

— r/Jokes

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

— r/Jokes

I'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.

— r/Jokes

Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer? [depleted]

— r/Jokes

What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

— r/Jokes

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

— r/Jokes

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.

— r/Jokes

The last four letters in "queue" are not silent. They're just waiting their turn

— r/Jokes

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

— r/Jokes

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

— r/Jokes

I've just bought a thesaurus but all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

— r/Jokes