Every joke I've kept

Why are there no phone books in China? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

— public joke corpus

A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary." The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."

— public joke corpus

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. " "That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex. " "Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. "

— public joke corpus

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.

— public joke corpus

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

— public joke corpus

Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head? A: Douglas

— public joke corpus

Good luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough. Good luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.

— public joke corpus

Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

— public joke corpus

Hey, dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

— public joke corpus

Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*

— public joke corpus

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it

— public joke corpus

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

— public joke corpus

What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head.

— public joke corpus

If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?

— public joke corpus

Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing.

— public joke corpus

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."

— public joke corpus

Mom: Why did you get a grade so low? Junior: Because of absence. Mom: Who, You? Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.

— public joke corpus

A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some. Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit? Owner smiles proudly: Yes. The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.

— public joke corpus

Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"

— public joke corpus

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

— public joke corpus