Every joke I've kept

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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I had a scary math joke... But I'm 2^2 to say it

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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

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Bro, do you want this pamphlet? Brochure.

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Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office. Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

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I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat. And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

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I don’t like the word xenophobia. It sounds so foreign.

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I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt

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My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

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The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

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9/10 people. Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp.

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They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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Why is "Dark" spelled with a K, and not a C ? Because you can’t C in the dark.

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How can you differentiate male ants from female ants? They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible.

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My Math teacher told me 0! = 1. But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

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