Every joke I've kept

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine. As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower. So I don't.

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I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

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I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed. Trouble is, none of them work.

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I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water. I responded "Well, dam"

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I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)

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What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

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Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes. "Let's eat punctuation"

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I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon. They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

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The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

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Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]

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I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed Number 14 shocked me.

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Alligators can grow up to 15 feet... But most only grow four.

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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

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The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision. I can just see it now.

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3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. ...so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

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My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

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Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

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This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

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