Every joke I've kept

There's no such thing as a "new" Law and Order joke. They've all been done done.

— r/Jokes

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.

— r/Jokes

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

— r/Jokes

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian. Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

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Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

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I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em... "I'll be returning"

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So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight... when do I get my adult supervision?

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I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.

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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It’s currently half empty...

— r/Jokes

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

— r/Jokes

I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

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How did the pharaoh get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

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Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No sun.

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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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England has no kidney bank but... It does have a Liverpool

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Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi? They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!

— r/Jokes