Every joke I've kept

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

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How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

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Two mice are chewing on a film roll. One says, "I liked the book better"

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85% of all Fords made are still on the road today... The other 15% made it home.

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My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. I said its Narnia buisness

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I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself. Where the hell is my ceiling.

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Just got back from the Transformers convention. and boy are my arms tires.

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An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

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What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

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If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U. Cause you’re blocking the TV

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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment

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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother Frank was a monster

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When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company

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I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go

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It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers. Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°. My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

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With the rise of self driving vehicles, we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

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Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero. Don't worry, he's 0K

— r/Jokes