Every joke I've kept

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

— onelinefun.com

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

— onelinefun.com

I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.

— onelinefun.com

People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.

— onelinefun.com

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

— onelinefun.com

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

— onelinefun.com

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

— onelinefun.com

I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.

— onelinefun.com

Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.

— onelinefun.com

Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

— onelinefun.com

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

— onelinefun.com

If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

— onelinefun.com

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

— onelinefun.com

Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems." Me: "Awesome, thank you."

— onelinefun.com

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

— onelinefun.com

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

— onelinefun.com

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

— onelinefun.com

How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

— onelinefun.com

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

— onelinefun.com

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

— onelinefun.com