Every joke I've kept

Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

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Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

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Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

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On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

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A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"

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Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt.

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Why was the developer always calm? Because they knew how to handle exceptions.

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So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."

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What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers

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Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me.

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After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

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I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

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BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...

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We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

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"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. "

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

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Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"

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Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."

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