Every joke I've kept

Finland have just closed their borders.... Which means no one can cross the finish line.

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What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

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Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s. I told him I knew a bit

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My daughter lost her first tooth today. I bet she won't touch my X- box again !

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Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes? Moo

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Why don't people in Athens wake up early? Because dawn is tough on Greece

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I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500. I am LIVID.

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Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words. Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

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What sound does a 747 make when it bounces? boeing boeing boeing

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Orion's Belt is a waist of space. Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

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How do you know that an introvert likes you? He looks at your shoes instead of his.

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.

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A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff... ba dum tss

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No matter what they say, you matter. Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

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Why can a 747 never crash? When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

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When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject... These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97. So he rounded them up.

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My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony which was ironic because we were at a train station

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