Every joke I've kept

What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!

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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason

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This is not supposed to be funny. I want to make a public apology for the temper tantrum I threw earlier today. I still don't get it but I am sorry for blaming everyone else for my problems. AC3P1L07 P.S. please vote this as funny so more people will see it.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

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Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

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A fool and his money are soon partying.

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What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

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Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!

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I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me...

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Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!

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What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

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Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.

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How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

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If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

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One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!""Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replied,"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

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"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.''

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What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

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