Every joke I've kept

William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

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Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

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Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.

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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!

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Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

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If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

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Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted." Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?" Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year." Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."

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Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

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Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)

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"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said." "When did you first notice this problem?" "What problem?"

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Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?

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What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.

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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

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I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.

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Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.

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What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!!

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A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.

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The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.

— public joke corpus