Every joke I've kept

Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

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What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

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Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!

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Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!

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A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

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How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?

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Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!

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What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls

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Did you hear about the new program on CBS's Cable Channel-"Jewish Survivor"? Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund. Jewish Survivor Rules:

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What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

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An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

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A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)

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What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

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Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

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Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

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Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.

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There is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.Who is driving ???---- Police officer

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Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!"

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