Every joke I've kept

Santa is nearby... I can sense his presents

— r/Jokes

Somebody stole my mood ring. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

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I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing.

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Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles? It’s eel-eagle.

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What do you call new car smell in a Tesla? Elon's Musk

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Sometimes I tell dad jokes, Sometimes he laughs

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My boss said my math skills are average. That's just mean.

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I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”. Which might explain why his marriage failed.

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Why is Jon Snow so ticklish? Aunts in his pants...

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McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed. Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

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LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time. sin 90 = cot 45

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How do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

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What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

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I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.

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Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

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Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.

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When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door. Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that. I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

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GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up. ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

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My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian. It's like I've never known herbivore

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