Every joke I've kept

I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

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If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.

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What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.

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What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.

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Girl: "Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra? Boy: "No!" Girl: "So you have worn them but not been caught?"

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BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago.

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A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.

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Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's ''Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny!

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I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.

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Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

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May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

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I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

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"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller

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Knock-Knock. Who's there? Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.

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What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.

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Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

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"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill

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