Every joke I've kept

Q. Why was the piano locked out? A. Because he had no keys!

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Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

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Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

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Where does a judge eat lunch? At the food court!

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!

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Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.

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What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!

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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

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Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina. Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.

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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

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When you look up Yahoo! Answers on Yahoo! search, it tells you it's deleted according to community guidelines. When you look it up on Google Search, it's restored according to Google Cache's workings.

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What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office.

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Legs is the word - spread the word.

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"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

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What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto

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Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.

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What Do You Get When You Cross a Scottish...

Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama.

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Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy!

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Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.

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Why Didn't Cain Please God?

Q: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able.

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