Every joke I've kept

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

— r/Jokes

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

— r/Jokes

Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

— r/Jokes

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

— r/Jokes

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."

— r/Jokes

Please stop the hate on the lazy people. They didn’t do anything at all

— r/Jokes

What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.

— r/Jokes

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It's a small scale operation

— r/Jokes

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

— r/Jokes

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

— r/Jokes

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, E-Daisies

— r/Jokes

A plateau. Is the highest form of flattery.

— r/Jokes

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

— r/Jokes

Once you’ve seen one shopping center...... You’ve seen the mall.

— r/Jokes

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office... I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

— r/Jokes

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick.. How low can you get?

— r/Jokes

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

— r/Jokes

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

— r/Jokes

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

— r/Jokes

There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get? Measles.

— r/Jokes