Every joke I've kept

I put all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time

— r/Jokes

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

— r/Jokes

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

— r/Jokes

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

— r/Jokes

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

— r/Jokes

Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen? Me: We have the same teacher.

— r/Jokes

What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu? Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

— r/Jokes

When inmates fall in love. Do the finish each others sentences?

— r/Jokes

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. I love you.

— r/Jokes

Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”. and “non-hyphenated”?

— r/Jokes

I don't understand why people spoil movies... What's their endgame?

— r/Jokes

This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant... But I've never met herbivore!

— r/Jokes

The minus button is missing from my calculator. I guess it won't make any difference.

— r/Jokes

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

— r/Jokes

How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature.

— r/Jokes

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.

— r/Jokes

What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium

— r/Jokes

This vegan chick came up to me and started talking like she knew me. But I never met herbivore.

— r/Jokes

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again... Stranger Things have happened.

— r/Jokes

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

— r/Jokes