Every joke I've kept

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.

— r/Jokes

A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

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What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.

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I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald’s ice cream machine

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What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

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My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.

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Dads are just like boomerangs.. .. I hope

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Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

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I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent.

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When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that it's a pretty good car.

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My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

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I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. But nature is only out a buck.

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When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

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My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

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David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

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Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars. Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

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I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back. I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

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Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? Because he always accepts cookies.

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"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.

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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor

— r/Jokes