Every joke I've kept

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!" They told me I'm not to use fowl language

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I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

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In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.

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My friend asked me if I have ever heard the song "Wonderwall". I said maybe.

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I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

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What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now”

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Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

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$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered.

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Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in. They need the help.

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My roommate's cellphone broke. He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

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I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's? That's where I draw the line.

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Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a fish a man and feed it for a month

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I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

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I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is OK.

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Whats ET short for. It’s because his legs are little

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A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore

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My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day. But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

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I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

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I failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

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Dad washes his car with his son. Son: Can't you just use a sponge?

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