Every joke I've kept

Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

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The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

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Which sweet is very clever? A Smartie

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Q: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

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Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!

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I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

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Want to Hear a Clean Joke?

Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.

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Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button

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Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.

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Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

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You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.

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Billy's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."

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What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

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One day a cat was being trapped be a evil dog. The evil dog said"barkity kalis hed resaw miop gas." The cat said "has that going to break the spppeeel?" Then the dog let the cat out. The next day, the cat trapped the dog. Then it happens every day with thhe same words.

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There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time. 1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month. 2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week. 3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!

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too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)

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Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.

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Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

— public joke corpus