Every joke I've kept

Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

— public joke corpus

Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".

— public joke corpus

Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]

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What's brown and sticky? A stick.

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Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.

— public joke corpus

Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.

— public joke corpus

Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

— public joke corpus

Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility Hotline

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

— public joke corpus

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

— public joke corpus

Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

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Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.

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A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.

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A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."

— public joke corpus

i want to live in a big castle and to be a princess

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A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"

— public joke corpus

It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

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What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

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How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

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A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.

— public joke corpus