Every joke I've kept

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box??? Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!"

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A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. "It's all right, mum," he said, brightly; "you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!"

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Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."

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What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture

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How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?

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Why was the designer always cold? Because they always used too much ice-olation.

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What kind of sneakers do chickens wear? Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok.

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Do You Know Why ... in Iraq

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets.

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Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal

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Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

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Why didn't the skeleton go for prom? Because it had nobody.

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"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."

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How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

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I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!

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Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear!

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Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.

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A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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A tramp knocked on the door of a house. "What do you want?" said the owner. "Can you spare some money to help a poor person?" said the beggar. As soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, "Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week." "Well, my son can afford to," said the owner, "he has a very rich father."

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Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.

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