Tagged “children”

If You Don't Know How to Read, Find Another Joke.

What happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!

— public joke corpus

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

— public joke corpus

Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.

— public joke corpus

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

— public joke corpus

A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank," he asked. "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?"

— public joke corpus

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates (470 - 399 BC)

— public joke corpus

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"

— public joke corpus

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

— public joke corpus

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

— public joke corpus

Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.

— public joke corpus

Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."

— public joke corpus

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

— public joke corpus

Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction. "Actually, it's Mark."

— public joke corpus

According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money

— public joke corpus

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."

— public joke corpus

Did You Pick Up Your Room?

Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.

— public joke corpus

Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES! Bailey: So, wha'd you do with the money? Max: What money??? Bailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!

— public joke corpus

What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus

— public joke corpus

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

— public joke corpus

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!" To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

— public joke corpus