Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far."J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked."Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
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A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father."Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
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A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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son:daddy daddy why are we pushing the car over a cliff? Dad:shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!You'll wake grandma.
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On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
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A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied."That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father."Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.
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