A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
— public joke corpus
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
— public joke corpus
Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual." Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."
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Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
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Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink."
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Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said "You know that was really descent of you to do that". So the other guy said "Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years".
— public joke corpus
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says "Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks." The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: "If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?" Immediately the frog replies, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!".
— public joke corpus
why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop
— public joke corpus
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
— public joke corpus
A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts."but how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks."That's simple", he says, "just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day"."And that would do it?", the surprised wife wonders."Well,", answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!".
— public joke corpus
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?""You'll know tonight." he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
— public joke corpus
"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
— public joke corpus
After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
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Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met!
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man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered..."Hello?""What?""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
— public joke corpus
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
— public joke corpus