Tagged “misc”

What do you call a dinosaur with anxiety? . . Nervous Rex

— upjoke.com

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?" Man: "Well, it's a long story."

— upjoke.com

Warning: Australian joke! What's left after your local Woolworths burned down? Coals

— upjoke.com

Two windmills stood on a hill with a radio. One turned to his friend and asked, “What’s your favourite music?” The other windmill said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

— upjoke.com

What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night? Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep. Horror night is... when your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

— upjoke.com

What's the Longest Word in English? Smiles Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

— upjoke.com

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on. Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon: 'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.' 'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

— upjoke.com

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear. I’ll let myself out...

— upjoke.com

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

— upjoke.com

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin.... Heads or Tales.

— upjoke.com

"With my sonic superpowers I shall call myself.... ...TINNITUS!" "Tinnitus?" "Yeah! Doesn't it have a nice ring to it?"

— upjoke.com

I debated a flat earther once he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He'll come around, eventually.

— upjoke.com

Whats a boomers weapon of choice? A boomerang. I hate my life.

— upjoke.com

I got a new job as a carpenter. The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

— upjoke.com

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

— upjoke.com

A Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the... read more

— upjoke.com

TEACHER: George go to the map and find North America. George: Here is it! TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America? Class: George!

— upjoke.com

How much does it cost to fly to South America? A Brazillion dollars (I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

— upjoke.com

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

— upjoke.com

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is. Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street." Friend: "What!? He doesn't count." Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

— upjoke.com