Tagged “one-liners”

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— public joke corpus

Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.

— public joke corpus

Why was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems!

— public joke corpus

It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!

— public joke corpus

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

— public joke corpus

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"

— public joke corpus

Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

— public joke corpus

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

— public joke corpus

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

— public joke corpus

How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

— public joke corpus

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

— public joke corpus

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!

— public joke corpus

Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.

— public joke corpus

If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.

— public joke corpus

Prudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side.

— public joke corpus

Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!

— public joke corpus

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

— public joke corpus

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry

— public joke corpus

Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

— public joke corpus