A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
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Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
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If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives!
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Do not try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
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Race is just a pigment of the imagination.
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If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
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I have a map of the world... its actual size.
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"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"
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A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.""What do you mean?""Everone kept screaming, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
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A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."
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What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
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A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
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Why did the programmer always carry a pencil? They preferred to write in C#.
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How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T
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If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
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What did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!!
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Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?
— public joke corpus